


Spider-Man's Guide to Superheroics

by Paycheckgurl



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Spider-Man (Comicverse)
Genre: Gen, Guide book, Marvel 616 References, Meta, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 14:25:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 13,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10855863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paycheckgurl/pseuds/Paycheckgurl
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. Spider-Man is tasked with creating a guidebook for new superoheros and this is the result.





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this on fanfiction.net when I was in high school (around 2011 or so). Some chapters I really like, whereas others are a bit overly wordy for my taste now. Regardless, I've decided to post the whole thing unaltered (sans the original author's notes). Enjoy!

Congratulations! If you happen to be reading this you've been exposed to some sort of radiation, been electrocuted while participating in a science experiment, or just so happened to have been born with mutant powers (and you did not die a horrible death or become a crazed super villain in the process). This is SHIELD and the Avenger's guide to super-heroics as written by yours truly, Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man. Why me? Well I've been around the block a few times, I've had some experience teaching the next generation, I started defeating wackjobs with Mommy issues bent on taking over Manhattan at the age of fifteen…and I think this is supposed to be my punishment for annoying Fury when we crossed passed on our last Avengers excursion (well come on, you try not making fun of that eye patch! The material writes itself!).

So before I warn you about just what you've gotten yourself into, I'm going to take this time to explain just how this little guide will be set up. Each chapter will cover one vital aspect of the Super-Hero gig, either describing in detail how something's done, detailing something that you will need to have along the way, or just dispensing some plain, old fashioned, not quite downhome advice. So if you want to just cover this thing in naughty drawings before turning it into a series of paper airplanes, now's your chance. I'm not stopping you. Although Professor Pym of the Avengers Academy, and Professor X, Cyclops, Emma Frost, Wolverine, and Kitty Pryde of the X-Men all inform me there will be a test and my "cruddy intro" will be the only thing not included. Make of that what you will.


	2. Just What You've Gotten Yourself Into

Oh boy. Where to begin? I guess from the outsider's point of view super heroing is awesome. You get to live a life of nonstop adventure, have the potential to be one of the biggest celebrities in the world, maybe even the universe, and no one ever seems to die and stay dead. Sounds almost like some kind of fun, escapist, monthly serial or something. It's everyone's childhood fantasy.

But here's the deal. It's not like that. At all. That non-stop adventure? Take a moment and think about your favorite activity in the world, maybe it's…I don't know baseball or maybe's it's just spending quality time with your friends and family. Now imagine you couldn't do that anymore, at least not on your own time. Every single moment of your life could be a moment you have to run off and fight off some idiot who thinks robbing a bank in broad daylight was a smart idea or disarm the latest in death-ray technology. Holding down a real nine to five job is almost impossible, so you might want to take some time to re-examine your career goals. And unless you have the single most supportive and understanding partner in the world you can forget about a love life. If I had a dollar for every time I had to stand up a girl on a date because certain members of my rouges gallery decided to start destroying the city, well let's just say I would have a lot of cash and way better living arrangements and leave at that.

And speak of family, friends, and significant others well it's called a secret identity for a reason. I'll go into more detail about this later but constantly having to lie to the people you care about can really take a toll on both your mental health and your relationships. A shrink I am not, but that's not a good thing.

You will suffer broken bones, bruises, and bleed A LOT. Even if you happen to be lucky enough to have a healing factor of some kind (Wolverine eat your heart out), you will still have to endure pain. You will, ache, you will want to scream, and you will not be able to scream without giving yourself away. You will constantly be tired and just plain worse for wear. And that's on a "good" day.

Then there's this little fact (and take it from someone who knows firsthand): the press may not actually like you. Maybe you'll luck out and gain some adoration. But if you're reading this than there's a good chance you're "just a kid" and the media (and media I mean everyone, not just Jolly 'ole J. Jonah Jameson) will view you with just that much more scrutiny. Let's not kid ourselves the media can be fickle, even Captain America has had his days being bashed and he's the best example of a universally like hero I can come up with.

As for the bit about coming back to life so much that it puts Jesus to shame…here's the thing. Do superhero's come back to life a lot? Yep. I'll even admit to be guilty of it (at least twice, even). But you can't just assume that because a friend has died they will come back. It hurts, just as much as if they died "for real" and it happens all the time to people that don't deserve it. And it happens to them in some of the most sadistically awful ways possible. Over the course of your superhero career you will witness someone you've built a friendship with pass on. Sometimes they really don't I come back. Sometimes you tried to save them. You really tried to save them. And they died anyways. They didn't come back. There was no magical, technobabble deus ex machina that resurrected them. They just died. And sometimes it's not even a superhero that suffers this fate. It's an innocent. Maybe even an innocent you know. And that's something you can never quite recover come.

Make no mistake. You've been granted great power. But with great power there most also come great responsibility. It's your responsibility now to help innocents, to help people, regardless of if they are appreciative of it or if it takes a toll on you. We don't do this for wealth and fame (I'm on three teams and I don't even get paid for it), our reward is helping people and living up to the responsibilities that come with the tights we all wear. And that alone makes all the hardships we endure worth it.


	3. Choosing a Code Name

Still here after all that heavy stuff? Good. Now let's make this easy. Your moniker should tell us who you are, give us a clue as to what your powers or team affiliation is, and be original and memorable (unless of course you're deliberately modeling yourself after a preexisting hero as a legacy. In which case you should contact the appropriate people and make sure that they're ok with that). Even if you have a public ID you should come up with some name or another so as not to let the press beat you to it and saddle you with something like "Menace Lad" or "Threat to Society Girl".

Now here's to best way to come up with a codename. Are you ready? It's pretty complex so I'll take it nice and slow. Pick an adjective that describes your powers. Now add girl, woman, boy, or man to the end of it. You got all of that?

Laugh all you want but there's a reason so many heroes elect to go this route, besides how easy and obvious it is. Using this method you're pretty much guaranteed to come up with something that meets most of the above criteria. I mean just look at my name. "Spider-Man" (please note the hyphen; I'm sick of people leaving it out). My names tell you that I am A) Spider-like and B) a man. Okay so admittedly it does fall apart a little when you realize out of the like five Spider-Woman not a single one was related to me in anyway and thus I'm robbed a bit in the originality department, but it still holds up ok (and I had the name first, thank you very much Jessica).

The method also works in reverse. Are you a female superhero that is patterning herself after a pre-existing male super? Add "She" or "Lady" to the front of the name. She-Devil, She-Hulk, can't go wrong (unless you're Lady-Stiltman). Are you a male super patterning yourself after a pre-existing female hero? Well hey I can't think of any examples but why not? Equal opportunity, right? Or just add "Man" to the front from the get go.

Although before I move on I should probably address another small flaw with this method. "Girl" and "Boy" have the connotations of pertaining to, well boys and girls, young people. This is fine, until you wake up one day, you're pushing thirty and you're still calling yourself "Something-Boy". Most heroes that choose these types of names change them when they get more experience, go through something particularly empowering and liberating…or just go through puberty.

Now there's also the snappy one word, descriptive name (with the optional "the"). "Wolverine" has claws and animal-like instincts. "Cyclops" shoots stuff out of a visor over his eyes, Wasp shrinks and flies, and "The Phoenix"…makes a flaming phoenix. These also work pretty well, but try to avoid stuff like "Blade" or "The Punisher", unless you're really that dark and gritty. Please don't really be that dark and gritty.

Somewhere in the middle is the "poetic name". This is a name that's derived from a well-known phrase but isn't necessarily a one word description. Names like "Black Cat" fall here.

Then of course is the title name. "Captain America", "Mr. Fantastic", and "Dr. Doom" are all examples. These are corny. Don't do it unless it somehow directly pertains to your role. Professor X and Cap for example get free passes for actually being a professor and a captain (if you don't know which is which you can just quit now).

Some heroes actually do keep their given names, but most if not all have at least tried a codename, usually because they started out with secret identities or the press issue above. Some like Hercules or Thor have names that do double duty as a real name and a super-name (of course unless you're a god this is kind of a bit inapplicable).

Adjectives that go with your name are not actually part of your name. The Hulk may be "Incredible", but's more like a glorified nickname than anything.

For all of the above choose wisely. Wiccan started with the name Asgardian, as to pay homage to Thor. Say it out loud and remember that he's gay. Yeah. His new name Wiccan actually fits his powers pretty well…except for the fact he's Jewish and not thus not a practicing member of Wicca. Poor kid. But hey, it's funny when it happens to a villain. Let us all laugh hysterically Paste Pot Pete. Don't be a Paste Pot Pete: choose a good codename.


	4. Choosing a Costume

Now you've chosen a name we're going to talk about one of the most important things live will throw our way: what we look like. Costuming a superhero takes time, diligence, and good taste, which is exactly why I run around in a one piece, primary colored set of pajamas. But seriously, a good uniform is important if for no other reason than that says "hit me in the silly, loud outfit. Not that plain clothed civilian!" A good uniform is also important because it is recognizable-it's a symbol that you're…well you. You're uniform is typically representative of either your name or powers. But there's a lot more you can tell from a hero's chosen uniform and many different styles you can choose from.

A hero that primarily operates at night or often runs "stealth" type mission should probably stick with dark colors (the ninja turtle cartoons and even Elektra are not good examples of how to blend into the shadows, people!) and a "daytime" hero should probably default to bright colors because of the not being confused with a civilian thing.

Some heroes, like Luke Cage do wear civilian clothes, but most of these guys are usually already well known and recognizable (you can see that shiny head from miles away!). Also becoming popular with the kids these days is "civie spandex", basically mixing traditional superhero-y elements (like the mask or gloves) with jeans, a t-shirts and the like. A "cive-spandexer" is usually someone that operates on street level. Some dark and "gritty" heroes like to wear way too many pouches and strap on ammo belts. This style was outdated the minute it came into existence. Don't do it. To the ladies, I know there's this trend towards plunging necklines, cleavage windows, and tiny bikinis but not for the under eighteen crowd, okay? To the over eighteen crowd: no one wants to see your five dollar implants.

Whether or not a team of heroes coordinates their costumes is usually dependent on team dynamics. If the team is like the Avengers where all the members have their own patrols too, then expect the costumes to be varied. But if they're like the X-Men where the team is militaristic and the first priority: matching yellow spandex it is. I'll let you decide for yourself where exactly Wolverine falls into the "team comes first" bit.

In regards to constructing a costume: a costume should allow free movement, so if you absolutely must have that cape you should probably make sure you can jump around in it without causing any level of self-harm (you know that scene from the Incredibles with the fashion designer? I think that makes my point for me).

Here's a little fun fact: most heroes don't actually wear spandex. They wear Reed Richard's patented unstable molecules. They make it so if you say, turn invisible or catch on fire, the suit will make it so you don't have to remove your clothes before going all stealthy or burn your clothes off [insert joke about Johnny Storm actually wanting to burn his clothes off here]. They're pretty handy.

But if like me, you're broke and have to go the old fashioned route (even though you've saved the FF's butt tons of times, you're part of their club now, and they owe you one) here's some advice. Leather looks cool, but running around in leather is not fun-it's actually hot, sweaty, and generally uncomfortable. Spandex is actually a pretty cool, there's a reason runners use it, but I know there's a lot of people that think it's too sweaty too. Really just hit up your local fabric shop and see which materials seem comfortable and look professional. Just make sure that material won't stifle your powers (part of the reason the material on my suit is so thin is too make sticking to walls easier). Also remember that most heroes are based in New York which translates to having multiple suits for all weather; something nice and breathable for summer and spring, maybe some thermals to add underneath for winter and late fall. Multiple suits in general are a good idea because they WILL get trashed at some point.

Oh and if you go the DIY route make sure you actually know how to sew. Nothing's more embarrassing than your pants ripping to reveal those stereotypically goofy print undies you're sporting. Or if you happen to go commando…well just make sure you know how to sew.

There are some third parties that can make a suit for you, like The Tinker. But be forewarned: these types can be fairly morally dubious. It's probably a safer bet not to let anyone you're not sure about near your suit. This goes double for you newbies. If said third party is the suit itself and it's actually a parasitic alien goop, kill it with fire and sonics! Now!

And finally for those of you with the secret IDs: mask and gloves. Gloves make sure you don't leave any pesky little finger prints around the city for everyone from the NYPD to the latest member of your rouges gallery to uncover and mask serve the rather obvious purpose of hiding your face. Little domino mask may look nice, but they don't actually hide anything. Avoid them (although for girls coupling them with wigs they MIGHT work). The same goes for those of you that think a pair of sunglasses is good enough. "Oh no, I can't see your eyes! Who are you?" My personal opinion is that full face masks are the way to go. Just be sure to follow your kindergarten teacher's Halloween safety advice and make sure you can see and breathe. Somehow I don't think you want your first headline to be "New Super Defeated by Own Mask".


	5. Secret Identities

Ok so I guess I've been beating around the bush on this one, making reference to it in the previous bits but not really explaining the choice. So it's story time boys and girls. Once upon time all heroes had secret identities, it was practically expected and a requirement. The Fantastic Four and the whole public identity thing, yeah they were the odd ones out. Yours truly broke into the costumed biz to be entertainer, but I didn't want to be laughed at if I didn't do as well as I thought at best and dissected by some curious government scientist at worst. Once I broke into the actual hero part, I had managed to be heralded as a no good threat/menace and made a ton of enemies that wanted to kill me. And the people I care about just to get to me. There was absolutely no way I could let the world at large know who I was. Ever. But of course, I slipped up and revealed it. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I found a reset button, but people I cared about where still hurt as the result because one of my enemies decided to go a gunning to get at me. Not the person he ended almost killing, that person was just a pawn in the grand scheme of things to this bad guy.

But of course that doesn't change the fact the world is more readily accepting of the extraordinary these days. New Yorkers have always had an "it's weird, so what" attitude (if you ever run into a guy with the green hair that wears a tinfoil suit in Times Square, try to see if anyone that's not a tourist wearing a I heart NY shirt ever even looks up) but now it seems no one is even batting an eyelash anymore at anything. Mutants are getting more rights and more and more heroes are not even bothering with the pretense of a mask anymore. It's becoming more common place amongst heroes to have everyone know who you are than it is for no one to. And that works for some people. Tony Stark is rich and can buy his way into security. Plus his personal villains, they're pretty low tier. When was the last time The Living Laser ever made headlines for actually succeeding at something (or headlines at all)? Captain America is Steve Rogers? Ok that's cool. His family died decades ago and most of the friends he made since being in this time period have been supers themselves, so no problem.

Alright I guess the best way to put is this: I can't sway your opinion either way. But the thing is that there also a pretty big problem with public IDs. You had better live in some sort of impenetrable fortress of high tech wonderment. You see if you happen to live a normal life, in a normal apartment, well good luck Charlie when the psychos come a knockin'. "Normal life" in that sense is a bit of an oxymoron anyway because you're basically thrusting yourself into the spotlight. Hannah Montana maybe vapid, annoying, awful, overly commercial, the death of all things Disney, corrupting, pandering…where was I going with this again? Oh yeah, Hannah Montana may have been all of those things but the show got one thing right: there are some perks to having the ability of escaping celebrity. If you're going to be spending all your time up at the X-mansion or just hanging around a bunch of other meta-humans in general anyway, well who cares? It's your choice, just be sure to think long and hard about it. What I can do is give some advice about maintaining your identity if that's the route you choose.

What's the easiest way to quickly duck into the action? Why by pulling a quick change act made possible by wearing your costume under your clothes of course. What's the easiest way to get discovered? Jane Doe has Super Chick's outfit under her clothes. Basically, be smart about where you wear and keep your costume. Long sleeved sweaters and shirts work the best for hiding a costume well. Don't leave your costume under the bed for Mommy to find. Be smart about it. Also remember where you put your civvies when it's time to change back into them.

Don't tell every single person you date you're a superhero. Will it win you guys points probably (and probably I mean yes), but what happens when you breakup? "Oh hey big, scary guy with the ominous looking science! machine, I'm going to tell you all about my ex cause I'm all mad at him and stuff." Also there's always the possibility that they're not interested in the real you, just the mask, but let's save dating woes as a whole for later shall we? (And yes, I have enough material on that to fill a whole section on this).

Drink a lot of coffee. You're likely working any and all free time you have now so people may start wondering while you're half asleep the rest of the time. Although, why is your hand jittering like you Turret's syndrome all of sudden is probably a valid concern as well.

Have a preplanned story if someone's on to you. That way you can spend some time making it plausible instead of trapping yourself under a sea of "um..well…uh"s when you're stuck coming up with something on the spot. This way you might actually stand a chance of convincing this person they were mistaking instead of sounding like a sixth grader attempting to do a report on quantum physics.

If you play a sport it's probably best that you quit. I know that sounds well, bad, but here's the thing. Well say you have super strength, well wouldn't it be kind of obvious if you keep getting homeruns? Or broke the homerun record? Or a solid metal bat? You could throw a few games here and there, but if you play a team sport you'll be letting some people down. Maybe you could switch to a sport that all about you, runners and swimmer aren't team players, they never share their toys with any of the kids.

And speaking of strength learns to control it. Really, accidently broken furniture isn't in this year. Also you don't want to go to give Grandma a friendly hug only to leave her to pieces…literally two pieces. This applies to other powers as well, to you squirt ink? Well first off I have a pen for that thanks, and second of learn to control it so you don't leave gunk everywhere. Do you throw spikes? That's a lame power, go live in the sewers, but learn not to poke an eye out first. Do you catch on or control fire? Don't burn down the house down. Do you fly? Learn the importance of being on cloud nine only being an expression.

Speaking of flyers and fellow people whom like myself will be ceiling bound every now and again: clean the ceiling. Sure no one ever looks up (admit it now that you read that you just looked up) but on the off chance they do, good luck explaining the handprints. Using the excuse of discovering a love of the accident art of cave dwelling peoples probably isn't going to get you very far.

Have an actual excuse to duck out and fight crime. You see I've missed some important events in the lives of my friends and family because I had to go stop the idiotic members of my rouges gallery for being idiots. You really don't want to spend your life fighting with your friends and family because you keep missing their Christmas parties. One of the best ways to achieve this is to get a job with flexible hours but a consistent need to run off quickly to it. Reporter, lawyer, and private investigator seem to be favorites. I know lying is bad, especially to those you love, but sometimes it's a necessary evil to protect them. And no, having a decent excuse will not automatically equate peace and harmony with the important people in your life. There will still be fights even with the best of excuses. Your Facebook friend count will start dropping. But once again the people in your life can't know the truth, not without dragging them into a danger they didn't sign up for. It's hard and it's not easy, I know. But perhaps I should amend that statement a little; you should have one or two people who know (your secret keeper for all Harry Potter nuts). I'll talk about the importance of them in the next section, but I'd like to end here by reminding you once again to think long and hard about the secret identity question. What works for me might not work for you, so it's something you're going to want to sleep on (before the call of duty keeps you from getting sleep).


	6. Hero Support/Secret Keepers

Alright so after going on and on (and on, and on, and on….) about the importance of keeping the secret in secret identity here I am telling you that you should tell someone who you are. So what gives? Well you see you know how they (whoever they are) say bottling up feeling is bad and encourage you to sing songs and hug each other so you can share your inner self? It turns out there's actually something to that. As I learned from both my own experiences and from those of some friends and family, and as you've probably figured out by now secret keeping and super heroics suck (and if you haven't figured it out yet go back and start reading from the beginning. Go ahead this chapter will still be here when you're done). You need someone in your life to share your life with, but not necessarily in a relationshipy way like that phrase is usually used. What you need boys and girls is a secret keeper.

A secret keeper serves the very obvious purpose of keeping your secret. But it's more than that. You see as used here secret keeper is also synonymous with "hero support". They're someone you can share just about anything with. They're the person that you can vent to about how Jameson is a massive jerk and Electro is such a moron (both of which are true). They're a go to cover story. They're someone that won't care if you leave a spare pair of tights around their apartment. They're the amazing civilian (and yes it only counts if it's a civilian) that reminds you just what you do and why. They're the people that can remind you what "normal" is after you've just come back from gallivanting across dimensions. That can kick your butt into gear. They support you with a "go get 'em Tiger" when the going gets tuff. They're a lifeline in case of an emergency. A lifeline in general…and when you describe them with a lot of those phrases they almost sound a bit like a helpful, supportive, housewife domesticated person. But that's not it at all.

A secret keeper has to be as tough as nails. They're being put directly in situations a normal human should not have to deal with. They need to be able to defend themselves, have some training in self-defense and no qualms about using a weapon when need be.

Your secret keeper shouldn't be just anyone. No. Maybe they're your long term girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse. Maybe they're your best friend. Maybe they're the person that raised you. Maybe they're a combination of the above (but not person that raised you and girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse, that's just gross). But they need to be trustworthy.

Sometimes though, you don't get to pick your secret keeper. They choose you. And I don't mean that in a corny it was fated to happen way, I mean they literally choose to be your secret keeper on their own. Maybe they deduced your secret. Maybe they just happened to see you climbing into your bedroom window and they put two and two together. But they figured it out. And they didn't tell anyone. Not even you. These are "secret, secret keepers" people that secretly keep your secret. Obviously they don't act as hero support as you don't even know of their existence, but they proved that mum is the word. When they finally do tell you that you know, don't bother trying to convince them otherwise like you would someone that was just simply on to you. You have a secret keeper like it or not. They didn't tell anyone, and they proved themselves trustworthy. And let me let you in on a secret; my source of hero support ended up in the role this way. And I don't know where I'd be without her.

To my public ID people, don't think that the above doesn't apply to you just because you don't have a secret identity. I promise you, there's value in having someone in your life that can bring you down to the normal level every now and again. Everybody needs an ally, now how about one that doesn't fly or have laser jets, okay? Everyone needs a secret keeper or hero support; they're the most important people in your life.


	7. Getting Around

So you know what you're diving into and you've got a costume, a name, a source of hero support, and figured out if you want to go the secret ID route or not. All set to go fight some super-villains right? Wrong. How exactly do you plan on getting there?

Well first and foremost look into the technological capabilities at hand. I created my own patented form of travel using technology I was able to scrape together using spare parts (and that no one would buy because it dissolves after an hour, thus is kind of useless as an adhesive and because I can't sign "Spider-Man" on check. So uh, key kid, want to buy some webs?). But if you're not tech savvy you'll need to think about how you're going to get a ride. Are you sponsored by a government agency or a high profile super team? If so then you'll probably just be handed something. Do your powers allow you to move from place to place by flying or teleporting or something? Why are you even reading this chapter, you're covered. Are you rich? Get in touch with Tony Stark and just pay cash for some cool toy or another (that's cash, as in untraceable, unmarked bills you secret ID having rich people).

Like your costume, your ride should go with your motif. I don't have a reason behind this because your costume and name create enough of an identity for you, it just looks cool.

Also like your costume, your ride should also be practical. There's no point in having an awesome jetpack if you're spending all your free time saving money to buy fuel for it instead of using that time to fight crime. Also everyone wants a cool car, but not everyone has taxicab driver levels of traffic dodging ability and you'll probably end up getting a speeding ticket (and good luck with the license, registration, and insurance papers…does adding a plasma ray count towards an insurance risk?) They seem cool in theory, but in practice super-mobiles are dumb (will all five of you that still remember the Spider-Mobile stop snickering?) Motorcycles are not cars, they're easier to park and dodge traffic with, passing the practicality test (just ask Ghost Rider).

Be sure to have access to your vehicle easily. Top secret parking garage under Manhattan? Cool! Top secret parking garage under Manhattan when you have an emergency in Queens and you somehow found yourself upstate with no way to get to Manhattan? Bad! It's this reason that heroes with secret IDs that need to duck out to fight crime easily and discreetly should probably have a portable form of transport, like a grappling hook.

Know how to operate your ride. Licenses may not come standard for hover-boards (at least I don't think), but you should probably master using them before bringing them out onto the field. Do you know how many Grasshoppers the Great Lakes Avengers/X-Men/Champions/Initiative/whatever they're calling themselves now have gone through because not one of them knew how to use that stupid super suit?

Know the city. Know the best routes and shortcuts to crimes and have a few patrol lines sketched out (but alternate them so the bad guys don't always know which way you're coming from all the time).

And as a last bit of advice, fill the gas tank. I've lost count of how many times I've been in a jam because I ran out of web fluid mid-fight. Falling one hundred feet because you ran out of some necessary form of energy to keep you going does not a good situation make.


	8. Knowing the Villainous Archetypes

Before going into a fight, yelling "hey yo ugly, over here" and punching people you should get an idea of the various villainous archetypes are. Why? Because going into a fight without a plan and yelling "hey yo ugly, over here" is starting to give me brain damage; the best, quickest and least painful battles are won with not only improv (which I will admit to using and having success with a lot more than my peers) but through analysis and planning. And preparing for what you're getting into is why you're reading this thing in the first place, right?

The Evil Scientist: These guys are annoying because there's a good chance they can match even smartest of us on the intellectual field. They also have the ability to conjure up inventions that are probably a lot snazzier than whatever you have in your arsenal. My advice would be to let them gloat about how awesome they are (it's usually these guys that fill the cartoonish old cliché of gloating) and then go into the attack mid-monologue. These guys are also usually not the most fit physically (just look at not so good ole, pudgy, Doc Ock) so leading them around until they tire out is a good way to play it too. If the opportunity comes up for you to actually have a clear shot at outsmarting them, I'd say be careful but go for; bringing the ego on these guys down a few notches is usually worth it.

The Dumb Muscle: These are guys like the Rhino that are really strong or powerful and have a lot of potential destructive power, but are lacking a little thing we intellectuals like to call basic intelligence. Usually this only refers to someone who has powers that include brute strength, but for our purposes let's extend the criteria to include anyone with powerful abilities of any kind and is too dumb to use them to their full potential. Defeat these guys by letting your brain be your weapon. Outsmart them by leading them into a trap or employing the old "deadly dodging" trick, where you keep dodging their blows until the old abandoned warehouse you led them into comes a crashing down (but please note, "deadly" is there because alliteration neat, not because I ever want ANY of you to ever intentionally trying lethal force).

The Flirty Thief: Yeah, I was saving this one for my chapter on dating, but…oh, brother. Do not fall for the wiles of the opposite gender. Imagine they're your grandmother, don't look directly into their eyes (or at certain other aspects) and just bring them in. Cork your ears shut with some tissues or something so you don't have to listen to the flirty voice and bring them in. Just bring them in. Pray to god they go the way Black Cat did and reform becoming a trusted ally that uses her powers for good, but do not let them go because they gave you butterflies and you think they're hot or even if you think they're genuinely good hearted. Most of these girls (and guys, there's male bad guys that flirt with unsuspecting female crime fighters too) know exactly what they're doing, they just want to catch you off guard so they can bring that shiny piece rock they're after home. There's a 90% chance they don't care about dating the real you. Just bring them in.

The Corrupt Cooperate Executive or High Ranking Government Official with Good Publicity: This is what Norman Osborn was to me for a long time, and the role he kept returning to. The Kingpin (as in the original and one and only hunk of lard himself, Wilson Fisk) was also a pretty darn good example before being ousted by Daredevil as the massive (and I do mean massive) jerk that he is. These are guys that have money and power, and use that money and power to conduct villainous acts. But the public doesn't know this. In fact, the public probably loves these guys. If you try to fight these guys you'll end up in handcuffs because as far as they know you just assaulted an outstanding member of society. These guys have an expert team covering their tracks and placing the blame on lower lackeys. So how does one defeat an untouchable opponent? Why by good old fashioned tabloid trashing. Spy on and get as much dirt on these people as you can, defame the heck out of them. Make special care to get the specifics on their organization and nefarious plans, or better yet tape them themselves talking about their organization and nefarious plans. Once the public opinion goes down, they go down next.

The Shape Shifter: There's a very good chance these guys aren't very good fighters or don't have any other powers. In fact I know of one shape shifter (coughTheChameleoncough) that was defeated by two civilian friends of mine in pretty mundane ways on two separate occasions (although both times he was pawned!). But make no mistake, these guys can pose a serious threat if for no other reason than the mere fact that they can be hiding as anyone. How do you defeat someone when you don't even know where to look for them? Well these guys have a bad habit of impersonating people you know, or you yourself. So work out a code or test of some kind with your secret keepers and see they pass the test. If not, it's clobberin' time! (It's clobberin' time!™ is a registered trademark of Ben Grimm/The Thing, I don't have permission to steal and will probably get chewed out latter for it, I just thought it'd be funny).

The Jekyll and Hyde: This is a villain that is not actually a full time villain, it's someone with a severe multiple personality order that is sane as rain some of the time and raving mad the rest. They have a good side that is a normal, regular human and a bad side that is crazed, powered super-villain. Try playing the "I know you're in there somewhere" card with these guys. If it doesn't work at least it'll catch them off guard or send them into a monologue about how their normal side is "no more". Take this time to hit them up with some kind of detoxing antidote. If you don't have access to an antidote, get access to an antidote.

The Normal Street Thug: Really you're a superhero, you shouldn't have a problem with these guys. Just make sure you go easy on them, because they have no powers and getting sued is not fun, and you're golden.

The Hilariously Lame Villain: This is a villain like Lady Stiltman, The Spot, Paste Pot Pete, Frog Man, White Rabbit, etc. that just…well don't except these guys to be taken too seriously. They either have a lame theme going, an awful name, awful powers, an awful costume, or one of everything. They're pretty easily taken down, but remember to stop laughing at them so you can.

Not all villains will fall neatly into one category. In fact, even some of the examples I used here could span more than one (Osborn is a Jekyll and Hyde-even if his "Jekyll" was a corrupt jerk from the start-formally untouchable good publicity having government/executive guy at least twice over, that is a mad genius). Likewise, not all villains can be defeated in these ways. But think of these as starting points so you're not running in blind.


	9. Dealing With Negative Public Opinions

f you were to ask the average citizen of New York about me you'd get an answer ranging anywhere from "a hero that saved my life" to "annoyance, vigilante, glory hound, threat, menace, no good, mask wearing piece of…" you get the idea. As I said previously not everyone's going to like you and everyone has some problems with the press and public opinions at one point or another. But here's some advice on dealing with fickle citizens (and yes you're all allowed to laugh at the fact Spider-Man is going to coach you all in public relations. Get it out of your system and start laughing at the irony now).

First and foremost, just keep doing what you're doing. If you're saving lives for the sake of saving lives The Bugle can go on and on about how much you suck and it won't matter. You're doing the right thing and it should be clear as day to anyone with eyes that this is the case.

Be nice to the mayor and other government officials. These people have a very big say in how the city's money is spent. So if they say, want to spend a large chunk of it on a squad out to get you they can. They can also make laws saying your activities are illegal which is a big lose-lose situation for everyone. My advice, don't vote for Jameson.

Be nice to cops. Yelling at them from a lamppost about why they're useless and ineffective is not going to win you any brownie points. It will, however, land you a headline reading "Menace Threatens New York's Finest." Try to make friends with people on the force; it won't only just help your image, having friends in law enforcement makes cracking the latest case all that much easier.

Be nice to journalist. These guys are the ones that get to share their two cents about you and shape the opinions of others more so than anyone else. So be tactful if ever you need to tell them to shove off. If you have one journalist friend that always follows you around, make sure they don't work for the newspaper that has a sole purpose of running a smear campaign against you. Also if a journalist has been writing rude stuff about you be mature about it and don't web them somewhere uncomfortable (I was just a kid then, cut me some slack…well you know for the first couple of times).

Be nice to established superhero teams. The public is always going to be weary of loners and the guys that have been around for a while have, for the most part anyway, already won over the crowds. Even if you're not a member of an established team, at least be friendly with them. Don't you know, attack them and demand they let you join because you need money…which you know I was stupid enough to do. To two different teams. But I'm on those teams now and for the right reasons, that counts for something, right?

Don't scare the general public away by associating yourself with something dark and gritty. Heroes are already technically vigilantes so don't add to it by wearing all black and surpassing Wolverine on the brooding scale. Or pattern yourself after something everyone's terrified of…like a spider. I think I'm starting to see why no one liked me back in the day.

Above all, use good judgment and live by those be yourself posters. Really, just do what I wouldn't.


	10. Superheroics and the Dating Game

Okay boys and girls, here it is. Dating is fun, dating is great and really, who doesn't want to find that special someone? But dating when you're a superhero is hard. While I can't promise to solve all of your dating problems for you like the latest issue of Seventeen, I can give you my two cents.

"So I like this person, but I'm afraid my enemies will use said person against me if I ever act on it."

I said once and I'll say it again, there will always be a risk that one of your enemies will try to attack the people you care about. Think long and hard about if this person is capable of defending themselves, and any and all potential risks. This goes double for those of you with secret IDs, because then you don't have the option of warning this person what they're getting themselves into. In the end the choice is up to you, so think long and hard.

"I want to date my teammate, but I'm worried it will screw up team dynamics."

Look, for a long time I was never much of a team guy. But I do know this, the X-Men inter-date more than the cast of Friends ever did, the Avengers are right behind them, and The Richards have been married to each other for years but yea and behold, still manage to function fine as half the FF. You will probably be a bit more prone to protecting this person than other teammates, which will probably cumulate in some dumb risks on their behalf, but it's not like everyone's not already doing it…no, I don't mean it like that!

"I have super strength and I'm afraid of crushing my date when we make out."

Well first off you should have been practicing with powers the minute you got them and learning all the subtly of how much pressure it takes to defeat a villain vs. how much pressure it takes to hold someone's hand. If you already mastered this you shouldn't have much of problem. I'll admit to cheating a bit in this department as my Spider-Sense lets me know if there's any potential danger for everything from falling cinder blocks to hugging someone too hard, but most people I know with super strength don't have a problem with this. If you're still paranoid only dating people that similar powers or find some sort of temporary power nullifier I guess, but really as long as you know your own strength you should be fine or at least at a point where you're not reenacting that god awful scene from that Twilight movie (don't give that movie any more money, just take my word for it, it was awful).

"Can I date someone in my heroic persona and someone else in my civilian persona?"

No you jerk, of course not! Sheesh, what is TV teaching you kids these days.

"I keep missing dates because of I'm always off fighting villains. I have some good excuses as to why I'm breaking the dates, but I can see that my date is getting more and more impatient with me and thinks I'm flighty."

Welcome to the story of my college life. As much experience as I've had with this one, I'm still not sure I can give you any good advice. Maybe up the romantic gestures quota (flowers, chocolate and all that) and prove your loyalty and devotion in other ways, like helping them when they need it most and always offering an ear to listen with, even when you're not physically there. Yeah, I'm not quite sure what it says about me that I still can't come up with a good solution. Be patient, it will work out in the end.

"I like this person. I even revealed who I was to them. But they like my heroic persona with the mask on more than the real me with the mask off."

Look, I've been here, I've been on the receiving end of this, and it sucks. This person isn't interested in the real you, they made that perfectly clear. They might grow out of it, but do you really want to make yourself wait for them to when it could still be years away? Sit this person down and tell them that the real you is the real you, not the sock you wear over your head. If they're still not okay with this, break it off. Well first make sure they're not going to go tell the nearest villain your identity, and then break it off. And be more careful about revealing yourself to the people you date.

"So how long exactly should, I wait before revealing my secret identity to someone then?"

I'll admit to being the worst judge of this ever, but probably after you've been saying "I love you" a lot (and meaning it) and are ready to make a big commitment like moving in with or marrying each other. Note: tell them before, not after you make said big commitment.

"I can't marry someone and continue to keep my secret from them then?"

No!

They say there's nothing more important than love. Through all the trouble superheroics rain down on your love life, hang in there and wait for your happy ending. You deserve to get it eventually. And now I depressed myself. So turn the page to find out about the infinitely less depressing subject of what to do when you're…mortally wounded and in need of a hospital. Look they can't all be fun alright!


	11. First Aid and Medical Care

Everyone in the business of saving lives need to know basic first aid, both for the purpose of helping yourself and for the purpose of helping the civilian you pulled from that fire before the paramedics could get there. Before you go any farther, my advice to you is take first aid classes. Lots of them. Get certified in everything from the Heimlich to pet CPR (yes that's a thing) and get a handy dandy first aid kid stocked to the hills with Ace bandages and iodine.

Now then, let's talk about what to do when a super hero is in need of medical attention, specifically one with a secret identity. The obvious the thing to do would be to call 911 (or 999 for Captain Britain), it's been drilled into your head since you were old to enough to count from one to nine. But here's the part where I make Safety Town instructors everywhere boo and hiss, if you ever see a superhero in need of medical attention don't call 911. The Baxter Building, Stark Tower, The Night Nurse's "room to the right", and The X Mansion (or whatever name we're calling that place by now) all have state of the art medical equipment specifically designed for heroes. The average hospital does not.

The average hospital is also a huge security risk, when a hero with a secret ID is checked into a hospital, they're put into a private room under a pseudonym and there's patient confidentially, sounds good so far. But the media will know you're there, somewhere, and you can't stop some snitch janitor from figuring it out and snapping a mug shot. Oh and having your blood drawn and documented by the hospital staff is never a good thing. Normal hospitals are bad.

Knowing the line between needing a hospital and just needing some entry level first aid has the potential to be tricky, but the first thing you need to know is just what makes your body tick. Healing factors are live savers in every sense of the word, but you need to know just how strong yours is. If you're Deadpool then you're able to come back from a single cell (and you're the single most annoying person on the planet) but if you're me, you still heal really fast but should probably still be concerned when you get shot. Know your body's limits and when you need to ask for help.

Knowing your physiologically is also important so you don't cause harm to others. Blood transfusions can save lives, but transfusions from people with irradiated blood can cause everything from granting the recipient superpowers to giving them blood poisoning. Having a seizure is never a fun event, but having one with super strength has the potential to throw some people against a wall.

In any event, superhumans need to modify typical medical procedures. Needles can't penetrate the skin of some people with super strength, so a stronger administration tool or some sort of oral alternative may need to be in effect. A typical human should only take around two aspirins at a time, a superhuman might need to down close to a whole bottle. Anyone with a large amount of metal in their body (like say, someone with an Adamantium skeleton) should avoid an MRI at all costs.

In general, it might be a good idea to try making friends with someone who has the power of healing people.

The best trip to the doctor is one you never have to take, so avoid getting beat up when you can.


	12. Team Ups With Fellow Heroes

Eventually you-even if you consider yourself to be a loner-you will work with someone else to stop the bad guys. Don't fight it, it's practically a law. It's like the person up there controlling our lives makes more money and/or gets more positive feedback whenever we fight alongside someone else or something. So because it's inevitable, here's some proper etiquette involving what we like to a call a "team up".

Don't starts punching the brains out of everyone you meet the minute you meet them. You see, many heroes make the assumption that because someone has powers and they never met them before they're bad guys. And then they fight each other until it becomes clear they're on the same side and fight for peace, justice, and all that other stuff together. This tired old cliché happens every single time two individuals happen to team up together, so try to put an end to it by doing this little civilized thing called talking with each other first.

If you happen to team up with someone established don't go yell squee like a little Twilight fan when you meet the big, cool heroes. Yes, meeting guys like Captain America and Thor is an awesome experience and should be an honor, but show some respect and try to act professional. Showing respect also includes, and I can't emphasize this enough NOT BEATING THEM UP! ...or being a smart mouthed kid…what?

On the opposite end of the spectrum don't be condescending to a newbie for the simple fact they're a newbie. A new hero may bring something interesting and unique to the team up dynamic (as I'm sure you guys as current newbies yourself know) so don't assume you can just boss them around. You may need to help them in some areas, but be sure that it's help as in assisting and not as in babying.

On that note, you should always respect each other's strengths and weakness. If one of you is good at stealth and the other is an efficient fighter make sure it's the stealthy one getting the information and the fighting one doing the, well fighting. Even if you think you're two individuals that are just way too different to work together, try to find some common ground and some way you can use your unique specialties or power sets to fight together. You may be happily surprised by the results.

Team Ups are a great way to make lasting friendships. For all the ragging on each other that Johnny Storm and I do he's pretty much my best friend in the hero business. We wouldn't have ever become friends if it weren't for the constant villain fighting together. I got to know a lot of my other friends like this as well. So in between the explosions and justice bringing, try to do some bonding. A round of Kumbaya, anyone?


	13. Team Ups With the Villains

Yes you read that right. Sometimes Superheroes, morally superior beings that we are, team up with the bad guys. None, well okay most of us most of us, actually like it (there's probably a few morally ambiguous guys out there that get some sort of enjoyment out of it) but sometimes it's a necessary action. A villain/hero team up takes a few specific forms.

The first of these is the ultimate outcome of that old saying, "an enemy of my enemy is my friend," basically this is what happens when mid-fight someone from your average, generic team evil-duo-supremo decides their partner is annoying or someone betrays someone else (the thing about super villains is they usually don't play well with their buddies) and so it's decided that instead of making into a three way brawls with no winners, they say "Thug One says, want to help take down Thug Two with me?" After you take now the nefarious Thug Two your partner for all of ten minutes begins fighting with you again. But hey, it was a friendly ten minutes. This is a nice way to end battles where you seem outnumbered, but it doesn't work every time you face a villain team up squad (if it did the Sinister Six would be the Stupidly Easy to Beat Six). But if you see the potential for it to happen, it might be in your best interest to push it along.

The second type of villain team up happens when you're out of options and the villain is seemingly the only one that can help you out. You give the villain help with variable X and they give you variable Y. I'm going to stop you right here and say this is never a good situation. Usually there is in fact another way around whatever your desperate issue is and the villain is playing you for some kind of chump. Even Reed Richards can have the wool pulled over his eyes by someone cunning enough, and there are some creative villains that can play the gambit card harder than the child David Xanatos and The Gosh Darn Batman. The cops aren't going to see this as you fighting the bad guys; they're going to see it as you helping the bad guys, no matter what the outcome is in the end. A deal with the Devil is never a good idea; anyone that partakes in one is an idiot.

The third type is when you're dealing with a flirty thief. See "Superheroics and the Dating Game". JUST BRING THEM IN!

The Fourth type is probably the rarest, but the most desirable of these: your adversary genuinely wants to reform. Maybe they were recently visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future or maybe they just decided being a villain was getting boring. But they want to help you. It's probably best to be a little suspicious of this first (see type five below) but if it looks like they're not going to crush you the minute they take down So and So this time, shake on it with your new pal…before the police come because they're likely not going to excuse this person of all past crimes just because they said "I'm good now." But hey, when or if they get out of the big house, be friendly; you've got a brand new ally.

Which brings us to type five, the "I was pretending to be reformed but I'm not actually reformed, MAWHAHA!" team up with a villain, which is exactly that. You team up, they say they're good now and it turns out they're not. The only real advice I can give you is don't be overly trusting, when dealing with baddies in general it's best to be on your toes.

Teaming up with villains is definitely in the gray area of morality that most children's comic book writers would want to pretend doesn't exist. A sometimes necessary action that may not be what your Girl Scout leader would have seen as something a model citizen should do, a team up with the bad guy is always something you should tread carefully with.


	14. Teams

hen you just can't seem to get your team up fill, teaming up with others every day is just the thing. Joining a team can bring you a great sense of team work, cooperation, and all that other stuff they put on motivational posters. But the making the decision to join a team is a lot like making the decision to become a hero: you need to know what you're getting yourself into.

There are two types of teams: the "organized unit" and the "glorified club". The members of an organized unit likely live under the same roof, wear matching costumes, and look like (holy redundancy Batman!) an organized unit. They're in sync with each other in either a very militant way or like a family unit where each member knows the others better than themselves. These types of teams don't regularly have members that are responsible for their own patrols, although there's no rule against it; it's just not that common. The best known examples of a team of this type are The X Men and the FF.

The Avengers on the other hand, are a glorified club. There's no cohesion to uniforms, the roster changes all the time, and each member likely has their own adventures. Sure, breaking the pattern here, traditionally the Avengers live under one roof, but in recent years that is not true of everyone. That's not to say teams of this type don't work well together or aren't a united front, but they're a different kind of united front. If you run into a team of the glorified club variety you see a lot of individuals together that look like they're going to get some bad guys, if you run into an organized unit, you see one single but very threatening entity that's going to get the bad guys. Simple enough?

Before deciding which type of team is for you, you're going to have figured out if teams are even for you first. First and foremost, you have to being willing to work with other people and take directions. If you want to go sulk in a corner and do things your way, go get some therapy and stay clear of teams. (Unless you're Wolverine, then you get to be this way and be on every team…seriously, how does that even work?)

Make sure you're joining a team for the right reasons. I mentioned before that when I was younger I just wanted to be on a team to get paid for it. I had good intentions for that money mind you, but that wasn't quite the right thing to do…and attempting to beat up my elders was bad. What the rights reason are exactly is something you need to decide for yourself, but it should have more to do with peace, justice etc. than prestige.

Which team you join is all about which dynamic you fit in best with. The X-Men are all mutants. A non-mutant could theoretically join them because of equal opportunity employment laws in the fine state of New York, but they probably wouldn't gel with your teammates well. Joining a team that has had roughly the same roster since it was founded probably isn't the best for you and team dynamics either, I wouldn't advise it unless you and said team have a pre-established kinship of some kind. Some teams like the FF deal primarily with cosmic level threats. I knowing I'm a glaring exception to the rule here, but if you're more comfortable with street level crime, you should be joining a team that's more comfortable with street level crime.

Once you're on a team, squabbles with teammates are likely to occur. Try to take the high road and don't, for example throw them through a supposedly unbreakable window several stories up because they jokingly said something insulting about someone you care about. Not that I've ever done that…look the joke was ill timed and really insulting and the person I threw had a healing factor, alright?

As for starting a new team…yeah, I really don't have much experience in this area unless you count one time squad thingies. But I can tell you based off that experience it's probably best to be strategic about it. You want people that are similar in that they are fighting for the same goal, but different in the expertise they bring. Look for candidates with varied powers and abilities as well as expertise in areas like street smarts or tech savvy-ness. Also follow the rules of good publicity I laid out for you earlier. I'll be over here continuing to screw up my own advice.


	15. Quipping

So reading through this little guidebook you may have noticed two related things about me: I never shut up and I'm a flippant sort of sarcastic half the time. I've become pretty infamous for carrying this trait into battle but there's a method to my madness. No, really.

Witty banter, quipping, witticisms or whatever you want to call it is in essence throwing comments at your opponent in the heat of battle. Not everyone does it because they feel it's unprofessional, distracting, or what have you. But I'm actually fond of it because it's distracting. Quipping helps me relax and takes my mind off just how extreme the surroundings and the fights get. Some people use deep breathing for this, but I find painful jokes or insulting and enraging people works better.

Now I know what you're thinking: if I'm actively insulting super villains isn't that a quick and easy way to make them mad enough to smash the itsy bitsy spider against the waterspout? Yes, and that's also the point. In addition to being a great distraction for you, quipping distracts your opponent. Telling someone their mama's so dumb that she thinks Meow Mix® is a CD for cats or so fat the airline made her pay an oversized baggage fee is going to get them unfocused and riled thus taking the attention right off the blow you're about to land.

There's also a perception that funny people are less threatening. There's definitely some merit to being underestimated, especially if the villain is cocky enough to leave you lots of openings because of it.

Nonetheless, not everyone likes quipping. A lot of team centric or government sponsored heroes don't appreciate it much because it's not protocol or uniform. In this case my advice is just to make sure your superiors have a sense of humor. Quipping also isn't the best route for ninjas, spies, or people that worship the phrase "mum's the word" in a cult-like fashion.

If you decide banter is for you remember that quipping is an art form that you need to work on to perfect. There's no shame in practicing in the mirror at home if you think your delivery is off or preparing some of your material ahead of time. But you need to be quick with your tongue and able to improv as well. Having a list of prepared insults to hurl at your clichéd mad scientist villain is great, but if they go and slip on a banana peel you'd better make a point of making fun of that. As a rule quipping comes easiest to those that are sarcastic or in others words you know that you don't have anything to worry about if you're the type of person that spends too much time on internet message boards. Being observant helps too because you don't want to enrage your villain when they have a clear shot at you and not the other way around and because it gives you more material to work with.

Quip-age: think on it.


	16. Clones

Let me get this out of the way now: I hate clones. I really, really hate clones. Well okay, I hate cloning. Some of my clones... one of my clones... was actually a decent not all that messed up guy. And yes, I have clones. As in more than one. But only one's alive and he's trying to redeem himself and honor the memory of the good clone so it's all good, right? Alright, let's just get this over with before my suppressed memories of the horrors of cloning cause me to break something.

You may one day encounter a villain that wants to clone you. Maybe they want a living test dummy that's genetically you. Maybe they want you to be their son and are looking for a replacement after your constant rejections of the idea. Maybe they cloned your loved one and don't want their new creation to be lonely. Maybe they finally recognized that you beat them a lot and want someone who can fight you on equal terms. Or maybe they're just crazy. Actually, no matter what story they give you they're usually just crazy. So lesson one is don't believe a word out of the cloner's mouth. Instead, bring any information they give you to a non-biased, completely trustworthy friend and then bring it to another non-biased, completely trustworthy friend in case that person is actually an evil clone themselves or was just evil to begin with. That actually happens a lot.

Once you meet a clone you shouldn't just assume they're disgusting and subhuman. They're not; they're people. Heck, speaking from a genetic standpoint, they're not just a person, they're YOU. Some cloning techniques used even make it possible to have a clone have all of your memories up until the point they were cloned. You should treat your clone not as some unwanted abomination but like a recently discovered long lost brother or sister. They have feelings and are probably just as freaked out by the whole cloning thing as you. And being nice to clones prevents evil clones, evil clones with dumb names like Spidercide... let's not bring him up again and give whatever being that controls my life any more lame ideas, okay?

If you are a clone, don't panic; it doesn't mean you can't find your own place in the world or that you have to follow your creator's whim because he's your "father". Heck, make your first act of finding yourself telling dear old "dad" to get lost.

If you're a clone with a degenerating problem don't worry. Remember that clone of mine that's still around? He had a horrible bout with degenerating problems and was able (admittedly through contrived means) to get better. Science is making new discoveries every day, and soon fixing problems like this will be no problem. So don't panic.

If you're an opposite sex clone, a female clone of a male or vice versa, you might have some questions about sexuality. I've thankfully never had to deal with this. (Hey, being that controls my life? Remember what I said about not getting any ideas? Go play with an alternate universe version of me or something.)

And remembers clones: there's a lot to enjoy in life; ice cream, lollypops, Disney World, etc. So don't get too broody and upset. Try to embrace life; instead of thinking about all the reasons you shouldn't exist, think about all the reasons you should and the good you can do.

I'm not going to lie; the experience of being told you're a clone is one of the most soul crushing experiences possible. And I would know because of our next point: being told your whole life's been a lie and you're actually a clone. Even for a while after its proven false, this is still the kind of revelation that makes you question everything. Are your loved ones really your loved ones? Are your accomplishments really yours? And the answer is yes. The life you've been living is just that, the life you've been living. Your loved ones have come to love you, not the person you're supposed to be, and your accomplishments were accomplished by you. Not someone else. Which is why when you're in a situation where one of two people may be a clone and you don't know which is which you shouldn't bother trying to figure it out; you're you and that's all there is to it.


	17. Traveling to Alternate Dimensions, Universes, and Timelines

Regardless of whether you prefer fighting strange creatures or street thugs that insist on bringing knifes to super powered fights, there exists the chance you will travel to an alternate dimension, universe or timeline. If you're a member of the FF, the Avengers, or X Men there is a one hundred percent chance you will travel to an alternate dimension, universe, or timeline. But before packing the camera and the emergency pants, you should slowdown a second and learn the distinct differences between these three terms and what they entail. Because if you're ever stranded in the Negative Zone and don't even know if it's a dimension or a universe, than all I have to say to you is good luck trying to find the next portal home.

Now I could literally fill an entire book talking about that the divisions between the universes, time travel, and our potential impact when we interfere. But since I'm pretty sure you guys have the attention spans of young, eager, superheroes who want to go beat people up, and because I'm pretty sure Reed Richards already did fill a book on the subject, I'll keep it simple. Oh, and if you just admitted to being overly eager, go back and start at the first chapter.

Let's start with dimensions; they're the easiest to understand. Basically, a dimension is like another plane of existence where things are screwy. Maybe the atmosphere's weird or maybe everyone wears cool hats. Or maybe it's just some legendary, magic realm like Asgard. But a dimension is still (technically) part of our universe, just one we need a portal of some kind to access. People from other universes can't access the same dimensions we have without special means and might have their own version of a dimension we have. Speaking of which, there is no alternate you in another dimension.

Another universe, on the other hand, will likely contain an alternate you. They might also have experienced the exact same experiences as you until a certain point in time known as a divergence point, where a decision or action made by someone had different outcomes in your universe and the now alternate universe. After that divergence point, literally anything goes for the new, alternate universe. But it's also possible to have a universe that was different from the get go. Maybe there's a universe out there where everyone is ape for no other reason than God having Planet of the Apes envy.

Regarding timelines, basically if you time travel and change stuff your universe probably won't change, but you'll create another universe where things are changed. Or an alternate you can try to change stuff for his universe, only to end up changing things in your universe. It's kind of confusing so let me simplify it further: don't mess with time travel.

The multiverse is the blanket term for the thousands of multiple universes out there. Our universe designated the number 616 (remember that future, universal travelers), is just one universe in a sea of universes.

Going a step farther, our multiverse is just one multiverse in a sea of multiverses. You see, theoretically speaking, there are other systems of multiverses out there that can cross with ours unexpectedly, only for them to part without us even being aware of it half the time. Like take a fictional character, like Superman. Say at one point in our lives we don't even know what a "Superman" is. Then randomly, one day, the universes cross ever so slightly and he's a fictional character, he's always been a fictional character. Or then the next day, the universes cross paths another way and then we have no memory of Superman ever being a fictional character, but we somehow have access to Superman's universe and multiverse and have an inter-universal adventure. And then the next day after that the universes cross each other's path yet another way and suddenly we remember Superman as being not only real but as being part of our universe and accept that it's always been this way and that we've always known him. Through this crossing of the universes we can meet Superman dozens of times, and only remember having met him or being aware of him every now and again. It's even possible for two multiverses to converge and create an amalgam universe where every superhero in existence is half one superhero and half another and for the verses to stay like this for an unspecified number of times. This system of multiple multiverses is collectively called the omniverse. But let's make this clear, the crossing of multiverses is theoretical. If I got to team up with Superman I'd remember it, darn it!

When you go to other dimensions be prepared for them. Know what kind of dimension it is and what the climate's like. You do not want to go to an ice dimension wearing a bikini. Also know how time works between dimensions. The two minutes you plan on spending dimension hopping could be two months back home; being a superhero wreaks enough havoc on your interpersonal relationships, don't carelessly add a series of additional missed dates to the list. If you don't know what a native animal is refrain from touching it, even it looks like a harmless puppy. Don't take any foreign objects back with you (if you're not supposed to take the rocks from Yellow Stone, I think it's safe to assume bringing home an inter-dimensional crystal is a no-no). Try to be nice to natives, remember your visiting their home. And finally, do not lose your portal home or strand your teammates in uncharted territory. Ever.

When you go to other universes be prepared for them. Be open-minded and willing to accept that alternate! Arch Foe of Yours might actually be a good guy. Don't start fighting with your alternate self or alternate friends, in greeting. TALK to them. But at the same time be on your toes. Also, yes, dating an alternate version of you is conceited and really gross.

And avoid time travel. At all costs.


	18. Experience

Well I really don't have much more to say to you guys-shocking I know-other than it's time to go out and get some experience. Practice first and be as prepared as you as can be (reading through this a few more times might be of use to you).

If you have access to one, clock in a ton of time on a training sim like the Danger Room. (You X-Kids still call it that, right? I've been having trouble keeping up with all the constant world changing disasters that these things to be different). Have your friends/mentors/teachers/team mates/homeless guys you found on the street point out what they think you can improve on. And then work like crazy to improve in those areas. I cannot stress enough how much I wished I had actual training and experience before getting my butt kicked on the field my first few times around. Once you're really, really comfortable in your practices then try some field work. Although truth be told, the field is where you're going to learn the most.

Now, remember your first villain isn't going to be Glacticus. Start with muggers and work your way up, that way you can get a feel for how things work in the non-training sim world without as much risk (plus if you prefer street level crime you're going to be handling this exact type of thing all the time anyways; so you might as well start now).

As was previously mentioned, listening to your team mates and/or mentors is important. This might come as a shock, but they actually have a tendency to know what they're talking about. Try not to be afraid of asking them for a hand if ever you feel like things just get too big for you handle. Take me for example. Six of my worst enemies together and acting all sinister? I can handle it. Twelve of them? Time to get saved by Big Damn Heroes Inc. Considering you're just getting started it's perfectly okay for you to call in back up for one super villain. Like I said, you're not going to go defeating Glacticus on your first time out.

Also as previously mentioned, make sure your equipment and your ride works. I really don't want to sound like a broken record, but falling from the top of skyscrapers is not fun.

Avoid tearing up the city with excess collateral damage; Damage Control is good at what they do, but they usually have more than enough to deal with. So reign it in my fellow super-strength having friends. Rubble just isn't aesthetically pleasing.

Remember that civilian safety ranks above getting your guy. Always. So if it's a choice between catching a falling cable car full of innocent people and stopping Mr. Evil Guy from getting away, the cable car wins (granted, I don't know where you would find a cable car in New York or why one would be falling).

No one's expecting your first time out to be pitch perfect, no matter how prepared you are, so if not everything goes right, don't be discouraged or decide to up and quit. It's important to remember to be true to yourself and what you're fighting for. You'll do fine. And as you'll get more experience you'll be more than fine, you'll be great. But first's things first, there are some professors ready with a test on what you just read (…and you thought I was joking about that).


End file.
